||[Jan. 2nd, 2009|10:19 pm]
23 Guys who are hotter than Edward Cullen (and the reasons why they are hotter than Edward Cullen…if that wasn’t already obvious enough)|
HUNTER PARRISH. He uses “swear” words like “fudgesicle” and “monkey hug it.” Stephenie Meyer only WISHES she had Hunter’s range of vocabulary. If she did, Edward would be saying things like “Monkey hug it, my life sucks” and he’d be 10 times more interesting than the dull, pathetic vampire he is now. Of course, I’ve never actually used the expression “monkey hug it,” so the sentence that I made up just now might not make any sense.
GO DIEGO GO!. Maybe I’d like Edward better if he had an exclamation mark after his name. You know, Mamma Mia! Moulin Rouge! RT! Edward Cullen! Add some much need pizzazz. Diego! was smart enough to do it. And he’s what, like FIVE YEARS OLD?! You need to step up your game, Mr. Edward Cullen.
GAEL GARCIA BERNAL & DIEGO LUNA. Especially in this poster. Like holy crap. It’s so fierce it kind of makes you want to punch something. Like Edward Cullen’s face.
ANDREW ADAMSON. What can I say? He’s hot in a weird way and I’ve kind of had a crush on him since he made Shrek. Plus his hair can rage victorious wars against any country.
DJIMON HOUNSOU. This guy deserves to be on this list more than any other guy here. He defined the meaning of 'hot' before Edward Cullen ever came along. Everytime I look at him, I'm like, GAWDDAMMMMNNNN, the world doesn't deserve you.
JOHN WILLIAMS. ONE SINGLE NOTE from the Star Wars theme is orgasmic. Edward Cullen in his entirety, on the other hand, is like a blob of blah in the middle of nowhere surrounded by zzzzzzzz…
STEVEN WEBB. If Stephenie Meyer knew true beauty, she would have called her supposedly flawless character Steven Webb, not Edward Cullen. Well, witness it right here. This is what Edward Cullen would have looked like if he was hot (the guy in the bottom right corner who has yet to graduate to a chair and looks like he’s about nine years old).
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS. There’s a part in Twilight where Edward asks Bella, “What if I’m the bad guy?” And anyone can clearly see he’s not the bad guy. Because dude, if you were the bad guy you’d grow a fierce ‘stache like Daniel Day-Lewis and do actual BAD stuff, like KILL PEOPLE WITH BOWLING PINS AND DRINK THEIR MILKSHAKES AND PRACTICE CRAZY METHOD ACTING. Edward is in serious need of some bad-ass for dummies lessons from Daniel Day-Lewis.
LEE PACE. Only a frigging moron could think that Edward Cullen looks better than Lee Pace. When I look at Lee Pace, I think of gummy bears and Jones Soda and Peake Freans. When I look at Edward Cullen, I think of shit. That’s just how it goes.
SEAN AVERY. Wait, never mind, Avery is not hotter than Edward Cullen. On the contrary, Avery is a pompous ass.
PEDRO ALMODÓVAR. He’s not even in the same league as Edward Cullen, and therefore wholly deserves to be on an entirely different list, maybe one that’s titled “Men Who Should Never Be Associated With Edward Cullen Because They Are Gastronomically And So Obviously Better.” Yes, that’s another list, and I probably won’t write that one out for awhile.
SKANDAR KEYNES. Like, dude. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? In LWW, you were memorably cute. In PC, you were freaking legendary. Edward Cullen has absolutely nothing on this kid. Skandar could trip over his own feet while wearing a clown suit and cheap makeup and STILL be more attractive than Edward Cullen.
KEN’ICHI MATSUYAMA. He plays an emo genius out to defeat the evil that fights evil and who sits on his feet, eats non-stop and drinks tea like it’s the elixir of life. That sentence in itself is just a lot more intriguing than a glittery vampire, right? Plus he made black eyeliner a symbol of more than just punk rock.
AARON JOHNSON. Sure, Edward Cullen’s got that whole vampire thing down, but sometimes, you know, puberty works well enough. Like what happened to Aaron Johnson. Three years and BANG, it was like a tornado had hit and swallowed him whole and the result is THIS.
WALL•E. Can I say that the sexiest scenes of 2008 were the interactions between Wall•E and Eve without sounding totally perverted? Well, there you go, I said it.
MATTHEW GOODE & BEN WHISHAW. After seeing Brideshead Revisited, I can’t think of one without the other, which is weird because they both have very different acting styles. Matthew’s subtle and Ben’s outrageous. Matthew expresses more with his face, Ben with his voice. Still, they’re both prettier than most women. Edward Cullen is far from being prettier than most men, much less women. And frankly, any level of female attractiveness in a guy is very, very hard to attain, something Matthew and Ben have basically achieved without much effort at all. Plus Edward watches Bella sleep and is just very creepy. Matthew and Ben are just very British.
JONATHAN JACKSON. Yeah, I rest my case. Let’s just say I’m glad he didn’t get the role of Anakin Skywalker that he was a “sure-shot” for because Darth Vader’s reputation as a repulsively wicked villain for me would have gone completely out the window.
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN. In the 20th Century, we had Albert Einstein. Today, we have Christopher Nolan. Sure, he didn’t invent something as efficient for our society as the atomic bomb, but he did blow up a lot of stuff on a movie set without destroying an entire country for generations to come, which is a bonus.
PETER DINKLAGE. Damn him for being married to someone who is not me. If I were Bella and I had to choose between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, I would choose Peter Dinklage.
ANDY MIENTUS. His favourite things right now are Spring Awakening and Ben Moss. Which are, consequently, my favourite things too. If Edward Cullen had good taste, he’d be cool too just like me and Andy. Because if Edward were cool, he would like Ben Moss. But no, Edward chose Bella instead. And Bella is a loser. Unlike Ben Moss.
BEN MOSS. Ben Moss does not approve of the fuckery that is Twilight. Thank you.